Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Guys, I found it.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.