So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.