I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?