Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
You Might Also Like
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Chemical wingman
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*