The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?