Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
plums roundup
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else