The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[montage of me giving-up]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball