“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My neck my back my allergy attack
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake