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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”