Trumpy Cat
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with