Florida man
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
calling in to work dehydrated
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Oceanography is all about current events
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.