“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.