My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?