Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No