One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
best review i’ve ever seen
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.