Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
#Caturday
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary