[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You Might Also Like
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Death certificates are our last participation award.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Thursday
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.