Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.