Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
🤣dope
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat