[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.