we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
guys I’m going home
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.