i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You Might Also Like
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
happy mother’s day❤️
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison