I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.