Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I am having an out of money experience.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.