In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf