Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.