[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Meow?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
They got Raph!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.