The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}