It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.