I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!