(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
That’s it.I’m out.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Wait for it
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time