Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You Might Also Like
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My Guy
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Hotels are back
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice