Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.