Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager