You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I feel it
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.