I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Eat…
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.