Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
spicy snake
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.