Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.