My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.