No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.