The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
She was REALLY feeling it.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table