If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Not messing around
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?