What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
i spent way too long on this
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc