Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You Might Also Like
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
i choose….tongue
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler