Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
peeping toms
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”