Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands