DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*puts cutlery down*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?