He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for