Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
You Might Also Like
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.