Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
S O O N
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here